Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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