Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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