At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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