I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize