wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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