Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
there is glitter all over my balls
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