he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize