When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
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It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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