I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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