I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
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I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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