I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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