The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dear god my vagina.
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