apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
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You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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