neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
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slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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