where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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