Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
