she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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