the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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