dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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