Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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