Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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