Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
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