Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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