I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize