Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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