I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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