Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
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