I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
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there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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