Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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