I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
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Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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