did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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