He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
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Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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