If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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