i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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