I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
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James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
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Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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