Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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