If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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