i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize