i permit you to call me
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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