My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
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So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
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Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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