My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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