this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Someone came in the potted fern
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
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The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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