I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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