a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize