youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize