The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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