Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
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I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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