My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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