we have officially lost it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
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Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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