I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize