His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize